End of Day Ten, Start of Day Eleven:

What does it mean to steward the things that Abba has given me? 

Why is the first thing that comes to mind money?

Is it not the breath in my lungs that is on loan?

Is it not the very life I cling to that is more important? 

Yet my focus is on the money. The THINGS that I own. And while it is true I should be using the gifts I have been given for the Lord, I miss a great deal of what he has for me.

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Am I a good steward with the Land that my house sits on? Taking care of the trees that may one day provide shade for those who come after me?

Do I plant things that bring forth good fruit that can be shared?

What of my body?

Do I take good care of the vessel that the Lord has given me? To treat it with care and use it to bring forth the Lord's will?

As previously stated, my tongue speaks forth death, my mind commits adultery, my spirit is offended often by my own actions.

Do I sleep enough? Do I eat well enough?

Not in the sense of worshiping my body, but rather spending what life I have been given to tend to the garden that is my life.

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I must pray for those who I donate money to. Not just toss the Seed to be scorched by the sun.

I must speak life where ever it is I walk. Not walk in darkness with my lamp covered up.

I must walk with integrity and humility. Not cover my ego and lack of self worth with pride.

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Abba wants me to be near and the only way I can do that is to empty myself of myself.

To allow the Lord God, King of the Universe, to give me a new heart with Torah written on it.

To be a new man steadfast in his fathers house. A son of God. Stable in mind and spirit. Not shaken by the death of the world but moved with love and compassion.

Can I fully submit? Will I? Do I want to?

It is not some foofoo crap to just spout off. "yeah I want to be a priest in the Father's temple" Easy to speak in words, but hard to walk out.

So I must ask myself, am I willing to truly lay it all down? Am I truly willing to seek the Lord? To fully steward the things he has given me?

No. Because so much of my identity is wrapped up in pride and service.

the only way to get the humility I need to be apart of my Father's house is to start over.

Who am I to you father?  How do I walk humbly before you? Not haughty or prideful but a servant of all who allows you to make my paths straight?

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A poem - laid bare :

How do I lay it all down? 

Help me Abba.

I want to seek your face but my flesh cries out

Cries out for comfort and I don't know how

to kill that selfish ambition.

I want to be your son

but I don't know how.

I have been striving so long.

Lost in a wasteland of want

hurting and seeking to fill the void

That only you can fix.

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I am scared

of not being worthy

of not being capable

of not being strong

I am not like your Son

Yeshua Crying out

Abba, Father,

I want to be like

The son laying his life down

but I draw back in fear.

Not understanding the depths

of your unfailing love.

If only I could grasp the truth

that you paid a price that I

never could.

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I am drowning.

Caught between the torrent

of choosing to be near you

walking upon the storms.

I take my eyes off you and sink

into the depths of my own mind.

How do I stay a float?

I grasp at the boat

and forget to cry out

LORD, LORD!

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I repent of my belief

in the lies of the enemy

I CHOOSE

to love you.

I CHOOSE

to believe you.

Lord I believe

Help my unbelief.

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Abba, I repent of my unbelief. I repent of my attempts to keep myself safe and draw back from you. I relinquish that power back to you Father. I repent of believing that I am worthless. I repent of believing that I am no good. I repent of allowing the enemy to steal the Joy you have given me to release to your people. I repent of letting the Enemy use me to sow death and discord. I repent of willingly sowing death and discord with my mouth and thoughts.
Lord, I submit to you. I humble myself before you.
please Forgive me Abba. Draw me near and teach and reaffirm the truth that I know but do not believe in my heart. Please show me the barriers that I have that I use to keep you out. I give up the fear. I give up the pride that uses that fear as a weapon. I submit fully to you and your Will.

I want to live like your Son.

Walking and talking with you in the cool of the day, reflecting your character on all those around. To only say and do what I see you saying and doing.

I lay my life down for your kingdom.

Here am I Abba, your servant is listening.