End of Day Nine, Start of Day Ten:

Nothing to cepher Yesterday.

Why? 

Because I was "too busy".

I did not make time to be plugged in to the source and my Field is drying out.

There was no prayer. There was no reading. There was no worshiping.

So let me reflect on my screw up and repent.

Then do better.

‍

So what is the purpose of busyness? Why does this keep me from Abba?

Upon reflecting, it is about trust in him. I want to provide for myself. I feel like I need to prove myself to be desirable.

That I need to prove to others that I am desirable. I have wrapped my legitimacy up in lies of the enemy.

My self-worth has completely (and subversively) been wrapped up in my ability to fix things or provide.

I am striving to show that I am worthwhile. I am striving to be loved.

And it's terrifying.

So I work and I work and I work to PROVE that I am worth SOMETHING.

How sad. How truly sad.

When Abba, the creator of the Universe, calls out to me. Desires me and calls me to be in relationship with him.

Why is he not enough for me? Why is his love not enough to fill the wounds in my heart?

‍

Abba, Father, what is the lie I believe about myself? What are the lies I believe about you?

"The lie is that you are only loved as much as you serve. That I will not love you when I know you. Yet I know you AND I love you."

well, that sucks. It sucks to lay these things bare. Easy to wallow in self-righteous pity. Easy to draw back from fear. Easy to draw back when I am scared to be intimate with the Lord. Scared that he will find out that I am worthless and that all the useless propping up of my ego will come crashing down.

But the time has come to knock it down.

Replace my self-worth propping up with the true love of Abba that casts out all fear.

‍

Abba, Father, Please help me remove my ego. Please help me to truly be humble before you. Please help me to remove my pride that I use to prop up my self worth. Please show me how you truly see me. Please help me to stop striving. I repent of my sin in trying to provide for myself. I repent of my ego and trying to define myself in things outside of you. I repent of drawing back in fear. I repent of believing the lies of the enemy over your truth. Please help me walk humbly before you and to truly serve your people instead of building myself up.